A trashy and tacky Emmett crackfic
by theartistformerlyknownaswmlaw
Summary: Emmett buys stuff off of the internet. Esme gets mad. Inspired by a drive on the New Jersey Turnpike.


_Ok, so I was on the NJ Turnpike today and I saw this truck. And I was like "Eeeww!" Then I had to wait an hour when I got to my destination, so I wrote this very cracky crack fic._

"Emmett!"

The shout rang throughout the house, causing the floors to quake, the birds out by the river to take flight in panic, and the deer in the nearby forest to run for their lives.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, you get down here this instant!"

Esme Cullen stood in the not often used kitchen of her family's home, hands on her hips, foot tapping impatiently as she waited for her son to show himself.

"Emmett, I know you are home, now get down here!" she yelled, her foot tapping harder. She made a mental note that she'd have to fix the dent she was leaving when this was taken care of.

Thundering footsteps flew down the stairs and suddenly, the large, bulky vampire was standing in front of his mother. Later, he would deny that he trembled slightly in fear of the smaller, much more delicate but much, more angry creature.

"What?" he asked with some trepidation.

"What are those…things on your Jeep?" she shouted, glaring up at him.

"Ah… Um…. What things?" he responded, trying to look innocent and giving his mother his best "puppy-dog" eyes.

"Those…things hanging off the hitch of your Jeep that look suspiciously like…. like…." she narrowed her eyes and waved her hands around, "you know what they look like!"

He made the mistake of laughing at her discomfort and she growled, stepping closer to him as she poked him in the chest. "How could you?" she demanded.

He involuntarily backed up a step, only to have the wall pin him in. He could, of course, have crashed through it to make his escape, but even he knew that it would only make her angrier.

"They're…. Well, Esme, they're just in good fun!" he shrugged, knowing immediately that it was the wrong answer.

"Fun? FUN?" she yelled, hair flying around her face, which had she have been human would have been beet red. "They're disgusting! Tacky! Trashy!" she sputtered furiously, eyes narrowing.

"Aaw, come on, Esme, they're not that bad!" he pleaded, his voice taking on a whine. He was suddenly very glad that his brothers weren't home to witness his humiliation.

She growled again and his eyes widened in shock. "Calm down, Esme... Mom," he added, hoping against hope that the term of endearment would smother her anger.

It didn't work as she snarled, "Fun? Not that bad? Really… and just what does Rosalie think of them?"

His jaw dropped and he muttered a quiet, "Shit," causing her to inhale sharply. "Shoot, I meant shoot… Don't hurt me." He held his hands in front of his chest and opened his mouth to speak again but was interrupted.

"Emmett!" Carlisle suddenly burst into the kitchen. "What were you thinking? What if your mother or your sisters or Bella…." He paused upon seeing Esme standing in front of his nearly cowering son. He chuckled at the site and then a wry smile overtook his classically handsome face. "Not your finest moment, son."

"I'll take them off," he whispered, eyes downcast. "Now." He moved to walk around his mother and towards the garage but pulled up short at a scathing look from his father, which he knew from experience meant that he better apologize and quick. "I'm sorry, Mom," he said quietly before slipping out the door.

Esme shook her head at her husband as he crossed the room to stand in front of her. "I… How… What…. Where in the world did he ever get…those?" she asked incredulously, mortified now that her anger was dissipating.

"The internet!" Emmett shouted from the garage, causing his parents to turn their heads toward the sound, growling in warning.

"Take them off, Emmett, before…" Carlisle ordered, wrapping an arm around his wife to pull her close for a kiss hello. The rest of his directive was cut off by a piercing, feminine scream.

"Emmett!!"

Rosalie was home.

Edit: a few reviewers have wanted to know what Emmett bought... c&p this link if you dare! www. bullsballs. com


End file.
